弟弟，弟妹
你们好。
我对婚姻的消极态度，你们感到疑惑，这我非常理解。经过很长时间的考虑，我决定告诉你们我隐瞒了二十年的秘密：我不喜欢女人，换句话说，我是同性恋。
你们读到这里的心情，我可以想象。但是要解释清楚这个问题，足够写一本书，或者谈上几天几夜。笔墨所限，这里我只想作几点解释：
1) 你们对同性恋的看法大部分来自国内封闭保守的媒体。不管有些人持多么厌恶鄙视的态度，但他们不得不承认，自己对真实的同性恋者没有任何基本概念。所以，那些负面的看法，与六七十年代中国人对西方的负面看法一样，都是基于别人的灌输和自己的臆想。
2) 我不是因为出了国才“变”成同性恋的。正好相反，我是因为自己是同性恋才迫不得已出国，以逃避父母和社会的压力。
3) 不管什么种族，文化背景，或者受教育程度，同性恋大约总人口的5%左右。同性恋的成因众说纷纭，但科学界普遍认为先天因素占主导地位。我在十五岁左右就已经清楚地知道我喜欢男孩。
4) 同性恋者并不是多数人想象的那样是“误入歧途”或者“道德败坏”。这条路不是我们主观选择的。跟左撇子一样，这是天生的，是造物主的恶作剧。左撇子可以忍受被强制改造。但同性恋与异性结婚注定了没有幸福，只有双方的痛苦和家庭的悲剧。
5) 同性恋不是病。1993年，世界卫生组织把同性恋从公认的精神病名单中去掉。2001年，《中国精神障碍分类与诊断标准》第三版也将同性恋从精神疾病名单中剔除。而且，同性恋无法改变也无须改变，这已经是国际科学界和医学界的共识。
6) 同性恋不等于艾滋病。只要坚持安全的性行为，同性恋并不比异性恋更容易感染艾滋病毒。
7) 我是同性恋并不等于我不会幸福。加拿大的三个省已经允许同性配偶注册结婚，由此可见同性恋的权利在加拿大的受保护程度。我和我的朋友已经同居两年多，而且一起买了车买了房。爸爸上次来美国见过他，我们同是TH88级的，但到了多伦多才相互认识。
你们如果想了解更多的信息，可以访问下面的几个网站：
http://www.gaychinese.net
http://www.csssm.org
我告诉你们这个最大的秘密，是因为我信任你们，同时也相信你们能够摒弃一般人的偏见，以开放的态度对待自己不熟悉的事物。但是如果你们一时不能接受这个事实，我也可以理解，毕竟，我自己也是经过了这么多年的痛苦挣扎才认同自己的。
同时可以想象，这个秘密对爸妈来说，会是一个多么巨大的打击，所以现阶段你们一定要对所有人绝对保密。否则万一传到他们耳朵里，后果不堪设想。
今年我就要满34岁了，来自爸妈的压力越来越大，所以写这封信也是向你们求助，让你们帮我拿主意：是应该继续隐瞒下去，还是应该在某个适当的时候向他们坦白？
好，这次就写这么多吧。如果你们愿意，我们三人可以通电话，你们选一个时间，通知我，然后我打给你们。
祝好！
J
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Below is the letter from my sister-in-law:
哥:你好!
邮件已经看到,请你放心,我们会为你保密.
说实话在刚看到你的邮件时,我们有一点惊讶,但没有其他的感觉,说是理解吧,好象还差一点,说什么鄙视吧,没有.没有原因,因为你是我们的哥哥,是和我们有着血缘关系的亲人,所以你的一切,包括好的,还是一般人认为的不好的,我们都会支持你,帮助你,任何的问题让我们一起来解决.
至于你目前的情况,我认为对于父母来讲最好是永远的秘密,因为毕竟他们是传统的老人,我看我们就一起撒一个美丽的谎言,也保存你在他们心中的骄傲,让他们永远还是以你为荣.
最近爸妈都知道我们有邮件的往来,慢慢的我会自然的让他们知道你已经谈恋爱了,那个女孩挺不错,你们挺好,但你们对婚姻的看法和国内不同,你们会考虑晚一点结婚. 那样他们才会放弃给你介绍上海的那个女孩,省省事.
哦,听爸妈说你九月份要回来,到时我们好好聊聊.到时把你的朋友的照片带回来看看,看他帅不帅.忠心的希望你们幸福,快乐,美满.
L.N.
2004.7.9
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Coming out to friends
I have two ex-classmates in Canada. Roger is in Toronto, and Don in London, Ontario.
In the winter of 2001/2002, Roger and Don visited my place and my BF, K, was there when they arrived. I introduced K as a regular friend. Since K went to the same university as three of us in the same year. They were not suprised.
Before Canada day of 2003, Roger and his wife invited me to join them camping in Algonquin. Although I wanted to go, but I could not leave K alone at home. After some inner struggling, I called Roger and told him "my lifestyle is different with the majority" and he cleverly caught my meaning right away. Fortunately, he and his wife took it very well. Since then, four of us hang around once a while and enjoyed each other's company.
Because of the two hour drive distance, I did not see Don very often, so I did not feel the necessity to come out to him. But it did not mean I had to hide. Everytime we had a get-together, I always brought K with me. I could imagine Don's confusion and suspicion, but interestingly, he never asked me or even Roger at least. On May 21, 2005, Roger, his wife, K and I went to Point Pelee in Windsor. On our way home on May 22 we visited Don. During the BBQ time, Roger and K nudged me to talk to Don, but I hesitated. The day after, feeling it is THE time, I wrote this email to him.
Two days later, I received his email:
In the winter of 2001/2002, Roger and Don visited my place and my BF, K, was there when they arrived. I introduced K as a regular friend. Since K went to the same university as three of us in the same year. They were not suprised.
Before Canada day of 2003, Roger and his wife invited me to join them camping in Algonquin. Although I wanted to go, but I could not leave K alone at home. After some inner struggling, I called Roger and told him "my lifestyle is different with the majority" and he cleverly caught my meaning right away. Fortunately, he and his wife took it very well. Since then, four of us hang around once a while and enjoyed each other's company.
Because of the two hour drive distance, I did not see Don very often, so I did not feel the necessity to come out to him. But it did not mean I had to hide. Everytime we had a get-together, I always brought K with me. I could imagine Don's confusion and suspicion, but interestingly, he never asked me or even Roger at least. On May 21, 2005, Roger, his wife, K and I went to Point Pelee in Windsor. On our way home on May 22 we visited Don. During the BBQ time, Roger and K nudged me to talk to Don, but I hesitated. The day after, feeling it is THE time, I wrote this email to him.
Hi, Don
We had a wonderful time yesterday: Yina was very hospitable; both your daughters were adorable, and the food was simply amazing. You have a happy family envied by all of us.
There is one thing I should have told you but I did not. Maybe you have had this confusion for a long time, or maybe you never wondered: what the heck is the relation between me and K?
Here is the answer: K is my same-sex common-law partner. Yes, we are a gay couple. We have been together for 4 years. Last year, we bought our house and a new car (the one you saw yesterday) together.
Having been living in Canada for years, you must have some basics about this hot topic in Canadian society. There is only one thing I should clarify: both of us were gay long before we came to Canada, so it is not like Canada changed our sexual orientation.
I apologize for not telling you this earlier (Roger and his wife knew about it two years ago). One reason of this delay was we did not see each other very often, but the major reason was I don't feel comfortable to tell a friend face-to-face or even over the telephone. My original plan was to let you and your wife figure it out by yourselves. But after yersterday's visit, I changed my mind. And that's why I am writing this email.
Anyway, thank you guys again for the great BBQ party!
J.
Two days later, I received his email:
Hi, J
It was a great pleasure having you. Yina and I had a very good time too as well as two little ones. And thank you for the gift card for Sarah.
J, thank you for your trust telling me this. Please don't worry about it. We like the diversity of Canada. Yina and I completely understand and respect the choice made by K and you, and sincerely wish you the best !
Don
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